I wonder what young people think of the endless parade of public figures – government officials, businessmen, entertainers, professional athletes, college coaches and administrators – crashing and burning before their eyes. Perhaps F. Scott Fitzgerald said it best when he wrote: “Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.”
A few years ago, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, where I am the Executive Director, asked 1,200 high school students from all across Long Island to tell us their concerns now and for the future.
One of them wrote: “I don’t think this world is ever going to get better. To live in this world you have to be very, very strong, because if you’re not, the system will walk all over you. . . . You really cannot trust anybody but your family, and not even them half the time.”
Relationships, illness, divorce and death weighed heavily on their minds. One wrote about the dissolution of his parents’ marriage, “My parents are getting a divorce and now there is talk about my mother being forced to move out of the house and my father move in and I have no say. I have lost faith in the court system. I thought we had the right to freedom of speech, but I guess actually being heard is another story.”
Another talked about his fears: “I am afraid of a lot of things; mainly dying too young and not getting to live to my greatest expectations.”
We asked, “When you’re confused about life who helps you sort things out?” Almost three-quarters said their parents and their friends fill that role. Far from rejecting parents in favor of peers, family is part of the solution, not the problem.
In an all-day gathering of teens and adults that followed the release of the results of the student survey, the young people talked about well-meaning parents who are overwhelmed with trying to make ends meet, with little or no time for substantive discussion with them; and they talked about teachers who they admire but who are too preoccupied with preparations for standardized testing.
In a small group discussion that day, a parent said: “What stood out for me the most was the observation by several of the kids that they need support from adults to tackle the challenging issues they face. Often, adults complain that kids are apathetic, lazy, unmotivated or apolitical. Maybe it is our own apathy and fears that prevent us as adults from helping.”
And, a teacher said: “Listening to the depths of emotion and world concerns from the students, I came away feeling that we are missing the boat with our kids. I know this is a generalization but, so many young people are walking around with such powerful feelings that we as adults are not helping them with. Our schools appear to be more interested in control, assessments and achievement scores than the life events that affect our children.”
As I reflect on the voices of young people all across Long Island, I am reminded of a simple truth: connections count. It is the good connections in their lives that enable our children to bounce back from private crises such as illness, divorce, drug addiction, child abuse and death, and keep them from being weighed down by the daily drumbeat and demoralizing impact of public scandal and corruption that beset us.
Each year, May 9th is designated as National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day shines a national spotlight on the importance of caring for every child’s mental health and reinforces that positive mental health is essential to a child’s healthy development.
This year’s theme is “Suicide Prevention: Strategies That Work.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the third leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 14, and the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 15 and 34. It is far more rare—though not unheard of—for children younger than 10 to commit suicide, but it does happen. About four out of every 500,000 children below the age of 12 commit suicide annually, reports the CDC.
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, 20 percent of all admissions come to us as crisis situations, including kids who talk and act as if they don’t want to live.
“Both children and teens are at risk of depression and suicide when they experience traumatic events in their lives, such as divorce, death of a loved one, abuse or illness,” says Elissa Smilowitz, LCSWR and Coordinator of Triage & Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.
Parents must be open to believing the risk of suicide is real and not assume that their child or teen’s behavior is just a normal part of adolescence, adds Smilowitz. “Parents say, ‘Teenagers are supposed to be moody, aren’t they?’ Yes, but it is the severity of the mood that parents need to look at.”
Smilowitz points out some of the warning signs: “Look for changes in their behavior that aren’t typical for them.”
She cites:
Withdrawing from friends and family
Sleeping all day
Being depressed and crying often
Posting suicidal thoughts on the Internet
Talking about death and not being around anymore
Cutting themselves
Increasing aggressiveness or irritability
So, what do you do if you suspect your child or teen may be suicidal? The first step is to consult a mental health professional. The Guidance Center has a Triage & Emergency Services program that offers a rapid response to psychiatric emergencies. Our team will assess if the situation appears urgent and will make an appointment to see the child within 24 to 48 hours (if it’s deemed extremely urgent, we do advise you go to the Emergency Room).
It’s very important that you communicate your concern to your child in a loving, non-judgmental way, says Smilowitz. “Talking about suicide will not make your child more likely to act upon it,” she says. “The opposite is true. Also, let them know that you believe that getting help is not a weakness, but rather shows their strength.”
If you or a member of your family is in crisis, call North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. You can also call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
When parents think about illicit drugs that can harm their children and teens, they probably first think of substances such as marijuana, LSD, heroin and cocaine. Also looming large is the epidemic of opioids, which is an enormous crisis for both youth and adults.
Sadly, newer drugs are finding their way into our kid’s lives, sometimes with deadly consequences. One of these is a substance called kratom, an herbal extract that comes from the leaves of an evergreen tree grown in Southeast Asia. The leaves of the tree contain compounds that can produce mind-altering effects.
Kratom can be easily purchased on the Internet. It typically comes in a pill, capsule or extract form. The leaves can be chewed, smoked or eaten in food, or they can be dried or powdered and made into tea. It is even available as a gum.
Marketers of kratom say it’s great for relieving pain, managing anxiety and depression, and acting as a stimulant to help in studying. One website where kratom is sold states, “Kratom is renowned for its ability to sharpen focus and streamline one’s thought process.” They boast that the substance increases sociability; improves mood, energy and motivation; decreases appetite; helps users get restful sleep; and even works as an antidote for opioid withdrawal.
While it is not approved by the FDA, Kratom is legal in most states in the U.S. That gives many people the idea that since it’s “all natural” and legal, it can’t be harmful. That idea couldn’t be further from the truth.
Case in point: Last month, a Long Islander posted the following on his Facebook page:
Today we are burying my nephew who died while writing a term paper for college. He had just gone back to finish his degree and was using kratom as a study/ health aid for his chronic back pain along with prescribed Adderall. His heart stopped last Monday afternoon, and no other drugs were found in his body. My nephew was always cautious about what he took for pain and often refused acetaminophen and X-rays for fear of radiation exposure. I repeat, he was free of all recreational drugs, legal and illegal, testing negative for barbiturates, opioids, THC, alcohol, Fentanyl, cocaine and heroin. Why aren’t there stronger warnings for kratom? Beyond sad.
Reported health effects of kratom use include nausea, sweating, seizures, and psychotic symptoms, but there have been deaths associated with kratom’s use. Poison control centers in the U.S. received approximately 1,800 reports involving the use of kratom from 2011 through 2017. A study published in the journal Clinical Toxicology found that calls to U.S. poison control centers about kratom skyrocketed more than 50-fold, from 13 calls in 2011 to 682 calls in 2017.
“Scientific data we’ve evaluated about kratom provides conclusive evidence that compounds contained in kratom are opioids and are expected to have similar addictive effects as well as risks of abuse, overdose, and in some cases, death,” FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said in a statement last year.
The takeaway: Parents must talk to their children and teens about the dangers of kratom and other so-called “natural” substances. Let them know that just because a substance is herbal, it can be dangerous and even deadly.
For more information on the potential dangers of herbal supplements, click here.
If your child or teen is experiencing a problem with alcohol or substance use, contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971.
What is your favorite thing about springtime? Here at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, the warm weather of April marks the joyful start of planting season at our two organic gardens—one at our headquarters in Roslyn Heights and the other at our Marks Family Right From the Start 0-3+ Center in Manhasset.
When they begin as clients of the Guidance Center, many children and teens have low self-esteem and low self-confidence, but when they learn how to garden and then share their knowledge with children and adolescents from our other therapy groups, they feel accomplished.
“One of the most critical things for kids we work with is to help them develop and build a sense of belonging, mastery and competence,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of the Guidance Center. “In the garden, it’s also a way for them to connect with other kids.”
“We work with kids who sometimes have trouble staying focused and organized, but in the garden, they are able to do those things,” says Hillary McGrath, Mental Health Counselor at the Guidance Center. McGrath teaches the younger kids a poem: “Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds, you can plant flowers, or you can plant weeds.” And then they talk about behaviors they might want to “weed out” of their lives.
Groups of our children and teen clients water, seed and weed the organic beds, and they’re filled with joy when they see the vegetables grow. They bring some of the produce home to their families, but the excess goes to a local food pantry, which makes them feel proud of their ability to help others. “Kids have a sense of giving back,” says Bruce Kaufstein, Director of Clinical Services at the Guidance Center. “It’s empowering for them to give something back to the community.”
Of course, gardening is a great learning experience not only for kids and teens with mental health challenges, but for every child! Below are some of the lessons that come from working the soil:
Gardening teaches children to respect nature and to marvel in the beauty and abundance that they helped create with their own two hands.
Group gardening helps kids learn social skills as they work together to tend to the vegetables and flowers they are growing.
Working in a garden helps children develop a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem as they witness what their hard work and dedication can create.
Gardening helps reduce stress as kids focus their attention on the tasks at hand, live in the present moment, and leave behind obsessive thoughts and worry.
The physical nature of gardening is good exercise for the body, and it also releases “feel good” chemicals such as serotonin.
Finally, by growing vegetables themselves, kids are more likely to eat them!
Today is National Pet Day, but in reality, for the estimated 65% ofU.S. households that own a pet (nearly 80 million homes), every day is Pet Day!
The benefits of having a pet in the family are enormous, impacting physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Dog owners, in particular, reap health rewards when they walk and play with their favorite four-legged family members. But research shows that interactions with any type of pet reduce stress and increase the production of “feel good” hormones such as oxytocin.
All kids, whether or not they have mental health challenges, benefit from their relationships with their pets, but introducing pets into therapeutic settings is especially powerful, helping children feel loved, teaching them skills to self-soothe and much more. (To read more about the benefits of pet therapy, click on our blog from May 2018.)
If you are considering bringing a pet into your family, it’s important to be sure you and your children are ready to take on the responsibility of pet ownership. Here are seven factors to consider:
Kids will promise the moon and stars to get a pet, but as the adult, you are likely going to be the one who does most of the caretaking, so make sure you are ready for the responsibility.
Caring for pets—especially dogs and cats—can be an expensive proposition, with estimates running from $500 per year to well over $1,000. Click here to find the results of a survey on the cost of owning various pets.
Do you have little ones in the house? Children under three or four need to be supervised with pets at all times, since they may be impulsive and risk harming the pet or themselves.
When choosing a pet, do your research. The pet should be a good match for your lifestyle. For example, if you live in an apartment, you might want to avoid getting a highly active dog (regardless of size). But if you have a fenced-in yard and enjoy tossing the ball around, an energetic pup may be exactly the right fit.
Are you out of the house for a large part of the day? Pets require care and love, so if you and your family aren’t home most of the time, a dog or even cat might not be the right pet for you.
Do your kids have asthma or other allergies? Despite the hype, there really are no allergy-free cats or dogs—but there are some breeds that are less allergenic than others. Ask your vet for some suggestions.
Please adopt from a shelter and save a life. If you decide that you want a specific breed or your heart is set on the type of dog you had as a kid, consider a rescue or shelter pet. Read more shelter adoption tips here.
The best thing about having pets: Children and adults of all ages receive unconditional love, and what could be more important?
Many adults reflect on their childhood days through rose-colored glasses. We tend to remember the happy times— fun family vacations, close friendships, holiday celebrations and more. And there’s nothing wrong with reveling in such memories.
But if we take off those glasses, we’re likely to also remember the pressures of doing well in school, or the bully who made us feel small, or the fights our parents had over money.
Childhood isn’t now (and probably never was) a scene out of an old school sitcom. We had plenty of stresses to manage as we grew into adulthood. But in modern culture, childhood stress has reached a whole new level.
“Today’s kids and teens are under more pressure than ever,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “They’re expected to excel at school; they’re often overbooked with extracurricular activities; and, in the biggest change of all, they experience a constant barrage of social media messages that can often make them feel like they’ll never measure up to their peers.”
One thing that is essential to healthy development is free time to daydream, but children and teens spend most of their time on digital devices, be it their phones, iPads or videogames. “Most kids are just too busy after school to relax and let their creative juices flow,” says Malekoff. “And in their downtime, they are glued to their screens.”
In addition, kids are not immune to the news about war, terrorism, school shootings and conflicts in our society, with people taking sides and forgetting how to disagree with a measure of kindness and civility.
All of these messages and non-stop activities create a huge amount of stress—and very little ability to know how to deal with it.
Following are seven tips on how you can help your child or teen manage their stress level and find balance in their lives.
If your kids are booked with activities and homework from dusk to dawn, ask them if they are feeling overwhelmed. Let them know you will not be disappointed if they decide to lighten their schedule.
While you can’t shield your children from all of the stresses you have in your own life, it’s important that you don’t overwhelm them and transfer your anxieties onto them. Be mindful of your language when discussing subjects like financial or health concerns around your kids, especially the little ones.
Did your child see something on the news or hear something from friends that scared them? Don’t simply tell them not to worry; talk to them about their fears and reassure them that your family is safe.
How you respond to stressors in your life will have a huge impact on how your children learn to do the same. Next time you are feeling overwhelmed, model behavior that can be helpful to your child, such as taking a deep breath, exercising or gardening.
Spending time in nature is a great tool for lifting your mood and relieving stress. Click here to read about some great ideas for exploring nature with your kids.
Make sure your child is getting enough sleep. If they have trouble falling asleep, eliminate electronics at least an hour before bed. Suggest that they read a book, and when it’s light’s out time, keep the room dark. For more on sleep requirements based on age, check out this article from the Washington Post.
Kids feel more comfortable when the family has routines that they can depend on. One simple idea: Institute family game night, so everyone will experience a fun and relaxing time together.
If your child or teen exhibits signs of severe anxiety or depression, call North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971. We’re here to help.
Does your child beg you for the latest version of the iPhone, or the hottest videogame, or even an outrageously priced handbag from the latest designer?
“Our kids are growing up in a world where what you have is sometimes seen as more important than who you are,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director of North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “It’s the job of parents and other role models to teach children what truly matters: things like their ability to be kind, respectful, grateful and adventurous.”
What are parents up against in their quest to make their kids have a deep sense of self-worth because of who they are and how they treat people rather than because of what they own? The onslaught of advertising is quite a formidable opponent in trying to battle consumerism. According to The Nielsen Company, kids ages 2-5 spend more than 32 hours a week in front of the TV screen, while 6-11 year olds spend about 28 hours a week. And those statistics don’t factor in time spent on computers or smart phones or other media platforms.
“Child advertising may impact self-esteem, making kids feel inferior to their peers if they do not have the latest products seen in commercials,” says Malekoff.
But there is some good news for those who are disgusted by the overload and the manipulative nature of the ads that try to turn our kids into voracious consumers. According to the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC), Senators Ed Markey and Josh Hawley have recently proposed the strongest restrictions on marketing to children in more than two decades. Their bill, which we was designed with the CCFC’s help, would:
Ban all targeted marketing to children under 13. That means advertisers can’t use kids’ locations, interests, browsing habits or anything else about them to target them with ads.
Hold companies like YouTube, Instagram and Snapchat accountable for profiting off of the millions of underage children that regularly use their sites.
Give teens important new privacy protections.
Create a kid-focused division at the Federal Trade Commission to enforce these new rules.
In addition to voicing your support for this bill, you can follow some of CCFC’s suggestions on how to reclaim childhood from corporate marketers:
Carve out commercial-free time. Make creative and outdoor play the norm. Have family nights for games, projects and other fun.
Limit screen time. Pediatricians recommend: A. NO screen time for kids under two; B. Time limits for older kids; C. Keep bedrooms screen free.
Reclaim your school. Work with friends and educators to limit (or eliminate) advertising in your community’s schools.
Call out the worst corporate offenders on social networks and blogs. Share commercial-free alternatives.
Learn more. Hold discussion groups, film viewings and book groups at your school, library or place of worship.
Choose commercial-free. Buy toys, food and clothing from companies that do not market directly to children. Avoid companies that do.
As Malekoff says, “When you’re deciding how to spend your money, think about giving your children richness of experiences instead of a wealth of stuff. Most of all, give them your time and attention. They will value that more than anything they can buy in a store.”
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, our staff includes some amazing social workers who give their all to help children and teens who are suffering from a host of mental health challenges. Their goal is to move them from hurting to healing.
That mission is a heartfelt one for Elissa Smilowitz, a senior staff member who started at the Guidance Center in 2001. Her first role was as a psychiatric social worker at our middle school Intensive Support Program (ISP), one of the three Nassau B.O.C.E.S. schools where we provide extensive mental health services to students having difficulties succeeding in a typical school environment.
“In the ISP, the children and teens have a significant history of psychiatric and behavioral difficulties,” says Smilowitz. “A lot of the work involves educating parents regarding the needs of their children and validating the struggles they have trying to work with their home school districts to get the accommodations their kids require.”
Smilowitz flourished in that role, and in her sixth year was asked to become the coordinator of the Guidance Center’s high school ISP at Nassau B.O.C.E.S. in Wantagh. “All three of the Guidance Center’s ISP programs take a wrap-around approach, working with the family, the school, psychiatrists and case management services to help these children and teens succeed,” she says. “It really does take a village.”
She adds, “We strongly encourage the parents that the goal of ISP is to have their children become independent. Parents and kids feel very supported by this program, and that’s very rare.”
For all kids, no matter their age, she adds, the most important thing is to focus on making them feel accepted and loved for who they are. “So many of them have been labeled as ‘problems’ for so long that they view themselves through that negative lens,” she says. “In ISP, we work with them, along with their families, so they stop identifying themselves by their challenges and instead feel proud of their strengths. They learn the academic and emotional skills needed to go to college or thrive on whatever path they choose.”
After a total of 11 years with the ISP, Smilowitz began working at our main headquarters as the Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services. In this critical role, she heads up a team that responds rapidly to help children who are in need of immediate, intensive outpatient care due to their at-risk behaviors.
“Many of the adolescents in this program are in danger of suicide and self-harm, and they have a significant decline in their everyday functioning,” she says. “The goals of the program are to encourage them to learn healthy coping skills, stabilize their mood and decrease the need for emergency room visits or in-patient hospitalizations. It’s a team approach of outpatient services that you don’t get anywhere else.”
A Mother’s Passion
Smilowitz didn’t start her career planning to be a social worker. For 30 years, she worked with her husband in the hardware business that they owned. But even during that time, as a young mother the seeds of her future career took hold.
“When my kids were younger, they had learning disabilities,” Smilowitz says. “Even though my son aced his tests, homework was difficult for him.”
Her son was found to have a motor skills disability, which impacted his academic ability—and his self-esteem. “Back then everything was writing, not typing on a keyboard,” she says. “Once his issues were clear, he got accommodations that helped him move from failing to getting ‘A’s in school.”
The problem was rooted in genetic issues, she explains, and her other son and daughter had similar issues. She learned how to advocate for their needs—and she took that knowledge and began volunteering to attend special education meetings with other parents who were new to the process.
“I wanted all kids to get the help they needed to feel better about themselves,” she says. “Parents don’t always know what kind of services their children are entitled to, and I felt it was my calling to help other parents understand the system.”
Once her son went to college, Smilowitz decided to go back to school to get her Masters in social work—and that decision has not only given her a career that she loves, but given many children and families the kind of support that can change lives.
The mission of the Guidance Center is one that Smilowitz embraces. “Working in such a holistic way is very aligned with my beliefs and my desire to help children and families improve their lives and destinies. I’m so proud of the work of the Guidance Center.”
It’s not uncommon for people to flippantly make comments that they or someone they know has OCD, or obsessive compulsive disorder, simply because they like things to be very neat, or they are uncomfortable being around people who are sick. But there’s a real difference between having a mild tendency to have some recurring thoughts to being truly obsessive about it.
“It is common for everyone to have intrusive thoughts at times,” explains Dr. Reena Nandi, Director of Psychiatry at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “But it’s when these thoughts and compulsive behaviors interfere with your life that it may merit the diagnosis of OCD.”
OCD, which is a form of anxiety disorder, has a neurological basis, says Dr. Nandi. “With OCD, anxiety is the driving force that causes persistent, disturbing thoughts, images or fears,” she says. “Those thoughts cause repetitive, compulsive behaviors, which are attempts to relieve the anxiety.”
Some of the most common obsessions that children with OCD have are fears that bad things will happen to them or others; concerns that they will hurt others or be hurt; and excessive worrying about germs, sickness and death.
OCD Statistics
OCD equally affects men, women and children of all races, ethnicities and socioeconomic backgrounds. In the United States, about 1 in 40 adults and 1 in 100 children have OCD. According to the World Health Organization, OCD is one of the top 20 causes of illness-related disability worldwide for individuals between 15 and 44 years of age. Source: beyondocd.org/ocd-facts
A list of common compulsions includes excessive washing or cleaning; arranging things in a particular order; repeating lucky words or numbers; frequent confessing or apologizing; repetitive checking (for example, that a door is locked); and continually asking for reassurance that everything is going to be alright.
The reality is that, while these repetitive actions are attempts to ease anxiety and thus might work for a short period, they don’t really “cure” the anxiety at all, says Dr. Nandi. “Compulsive behavior creates a cycle that tends to get worse and worse. While it might start with frequent hand-washing, for example, if it’s true OCD, it will escalate to the point where someone may refuse to leave their house for fear of being exposed to germs, or they may wash their hands so much that their skin begins peeling off.”
That is the case with one of the clients of Laura Mauceri, an LMSW at the Guidance Center. “This teenage girl is very nervous about germs and washes her hands so much that they are raw,” says Mauceri. “She keeps her room spotless to the point of changing her sheets every few days, and she doesn’t allow anyone—ever her mother—to go into her room.”
With OCD, often the compulsive behavior is directly related to the unwanted thoughts, as with Mauceri’s client who is afraid of germs and thus washes compulsively. Other times, someone with OCD may perform rituals that have no apparent connection to the fear, such as tapping on a table or counting to 100 over and over again to keep themselves or their family safe from harm.
The good news is that there is treatment for OCD. One of the most frequently used protocols is “Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy,” in which the client is exposed to the triggering thought, behavior or situation and rates their anxiety on a scale of 1 to 100. Over the course of their treatment, they gradually learn how to decrease their stress level by slowly increasing the amount of time they can tolerate the thoughts without acting out the compulsion. In addition, medication can often be a useful part of the treatment plan.
If your child is exhibiting symptoms of OCD or other mental health challenges, we can help. Please call the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971.
It’s been just a few weeks since models hit the runway for New York Fashion Week. And while most of us cannot begin to afford any of the haute couture styles that designers try to convince us will somehow make our lives better, one thing is clear: Super-thin is still in.
And the obsession with being skinny starts early.
One study showed that by age 6, girls begin to express concerns about their weight; the study also found that 60% of elementary school girls ages 6-12 are concerned about becoming too fat, and that this worry tends to remain with them all their lives.
The messages sent through the media and other cultural avenues—that it’s cool to be very thin—can have devastating consequences, leading to potentially life-threatening conditions such as cardiac abnormalities and other medical problems.
But the desire to be thin is just a part of the equation: People with eating disorders typically have low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and other overwhelming emotions that cause their self-destructive behaviors with food. While the behaviors may alleviate stress in the short term, the long-term consequences can be deadly.
“People who develop eating disorders needs to be assessed and treated,” says Elissa Smilowitz, LCSW and Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “As with alcohol, substance abuse and similar addictions, no one chooses to have this problem.”
In addition, you can’t diagnose an eating disorder simply by looking at someone. People with these conditions are sometimes thin, sometimes heavy and sometimes “average” in weight.
While eating disorders are more common among females, they don’t discriminate: Men can and do develop these conditions, and people of all ethnicities, sizes, ages and backgrounds are impacted.
95% of those with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
Among high-school students, 44% of females and 15% of males attempted to lose weight.
35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.
Over one half of teenage girls and nearly one third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors (for example, skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes and purging).
How can you determine if your child or teen is suffering from an eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating?
“They may be very critical of their bodies and base their self-esteem on their size,” says Smilowitz. “They will typically become very defensive if you talk about their eating habits.”
Other signs include food restrictions; hiding food; eating in secret; distorted body image; social isolation; depression; and physical manifestations such as stomach cramps, missed periods, sleep problems, thinning of hair and dizziness, among others.
The first thing to do is to rule out any medical issues; after this is ruled out, therapy may be recommended to assess whether the child is experiencing any anxiety or depression which can exacerbate eating problems.
For more information, click here to find a parent toolkit from the National Eating Disorders Association.
When Dan Donnelly was asked by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center to be the honoree at our Jonathan Krevat Memorial Golf & Tennis Classic in 2017, he took on the challenge with gusto. As with everything that he commits to in his life, Donnelly got involved in a big way!
With a spirit of generosity, creativity and fun, Donnelly gave his all to planning the day, coming up with new and creative ways to make the event more exciting and successful than ever. His flair for sales and marketing—along with his penchant for playfulness—was in full swing as he helped design our print materials, which featured himand the golf co-chairs dressed in 1920s golf attire. And his competitive nature led him to establish a friendly rivalry by putting together teams to represent four local towns.
Jeff Krevat, who created our golf fundraiser in honor of his brother, has known Donnelly for over 40 years. “Dan was and still is smart, driven and extremely personable,” says Krevat. “I knew when I first met him that he would become incredibly successful in all of his endeavors.”
Indeed, Donnelly’s dedication to being at the top of his game started at a very young age. Taking inspiration from his hard-working parents, he got his first job at 12. “My father’s rule was at 7 a.m. you had to get your feet on the floor,” says Donnelly. “He encouraged us to work. My first job was as a newspaper boy, and I loved it! It made me realize early on the power of working and saving.”
Many years later, his success continued when he founded Donnelly Mechanical in 1989. As Chief Executive Officer, Donnelly led the strategic vision of the company. Today, he owns and operates five companies. But his many interests extend to a variety of areas, including life coaching and philanthropy.
“I love watching talent grow,” says Donnelly. “I’m fascinated by seeing the gleam in a young entrepreneur’s eye when they connect the dots and achieve their goals.”
Paul Vitale, a member of the Guidance Center’s Board of Directors who used to play against Donnelly in a softball league, says his friend’s commitment to helping others is one of his defining characteristics. “As competitive as Dan was on the softball field, he was even more generous to the Garden City community,” says Vitale. “When I asked him to support the Guidance Center he was all in because he recognized the great work that the Guidance Center does, and he also recognized the value of the time and counsel that so many of us do to support the organization.”
A Key to Success
When Donnelly isn’t engaged in life coaching or philanthropic work, you can find him on his meditation cushion. “Meditation is the rock upon which I define my life,” he says. “Ninety percent of my success has come from being quiet in a room and meditating each day. It has enabled me to be present to everything around me.”
Donnelly, who is the devoted father of two and proud grandfather to Ronen, 2, and Claire, 6 months, says that the work the Guidance Center does for children on Long Island is what motivates him to be such a dedicated supporter.But he also credits his admiration for the staff. “The people you have working there are such caring souls,” he says. “Life is about people and connecting. The relationships that I have with the Guidance Center staff and support team are one of the reasons why I stay involved.”
Do you think childhood trauma is a relatively rare occurrence? Here are just a few statistics to change that perception:
More than a quarter (26%) of children in the United States will witness or experience a traumatic event before they turn four.
60% of adults report experiencing abuse or other difficult family circumstances during
childhood.
In one year,39%of children between the ages of 12 and 17 reported witnessing violence; 17% reported being a victim of physical assault; and 8% reported being the victim of sexual assault.
More than 60% of youth age 17 and younger have been exposed to crime, violence and abuse either directly or indirectly.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, childhood trauma is defined as “the experience of an event by a child that is emotionally painful or distressful, which often results in lasting mental and physical effects.”
Jennifer Pearlman, LMHC, who works at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s Intensive Support Program through Nassau B.O.C.E.S, explains some of the common causes of trauma in children. “Sexual, physical or emotional abuse—especially when it is repeated and/or ongoing—can cause serious mental health challenges both during childhood and as the child matures into adulthood,” she says. “Problems can also develop when a child experiences chronic illnesses, loss of a loved one, bullying, serious accidents and poverty.”
Trauma can also occur when a child is witness to violence or even regular, intense verbal fighting by their parents or caregivers.
“A child who has been traumatized may be living as if they are in a constant state of danger,” says Pearlman. “Their bodies and minds are always on high alert, which means they often experience the flight, fright or freeze response more commonly associated with soldiers who have been diagnosed with PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder]. They never feel safe.”
There are many symptoms associated with trauma in children, including anxiety, anger, difficulty sleeping, poor self-image, acting out, feelings of guilt, school refusal and obsessive or compulsive behaviors. Sometimes, trauma in early years can lead to learning disabilities and, in some cases, to violent behaviors—especially when the child was the victim of abuse.
“If a child is chronically abused, it’s all they know of the world,” says Pearlman. “They may have difficulty expressing emotions, and their behavior can be unpredictable, volatile or extreme.”
The good news is that, with proper treatment, children and teens can heal from trauma and live healthy, happy lives. That treatment might include individual, group and/or family therapy; cognitive behavioral therapy; relaxation and mindfulness techniques; neurofeedback; and other methods.
“Children who’ve experienced trauma are not bad or broken or flawed,” says Pearlman. “There are many different therapeutic approaches that, by themselves or in combination, can make a huge difference.”
If your child is experiencing the effects of trauma, we can help. Contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971, or email info@northshorechildguidance.org. If you are seeking an academic environment for your child or teen that offers extensive therapeutic services, ask about our Intensive Support Program, which offers intensive mental health services on-site at three Nassau B.O.C.E.S. schools for children, ages 5-21, and their families from all 56 Nassau County school districts.
Most parents have experienced a day here or there where their child or teen says they’re not going to go to school. They might complain of not feeling well or express anxiety over a test or be upset at a fight they had with a friend.
When those types of events are relatively rare, they are nothing for a parent to worry about. But when refusing to go to school becomes a habit, it’s important to take action to figure out what is causing this detrimental behavior.
“It’s understandable that parents get very frustrated when their child won’t go to school,” says Elissa Smilowitz, LCSW and Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “Not only are the parents concerned for their child’s future, but they also often have to deal with tantrums, meltdowns or, in the worst cases, even physical blows.”
It’s very important to include the school when trying to find out why your child refuses to go. “You must find out what’s happening at school to get a sense of why your child is reluctant to go,” says Smilowitz. “It’s possible they are being bullied, or have trouble with a certain teacher, or are struggling with the work and are afraid to fail. There also may be a learning disability that has not been diagnosed.”
Smilowitz points out that ongoing school refusal often indicates an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. “If the behavior is ongoing, it’s important to seek professional help since there are possible long-term effects on a child’s social, emotional and academic development.”
In addition to talking with the school and seeking therapy, here are some other steps you can take:
Get a comprehensive diagnostic assessment (talk to your school or therapist about resources).
Also get a medical exam to rule out any physical causes, since children often complain about headaches, stomachaches and other bodily symptoms.
Ask your child what is going on and listen carefully without shaming or judging them.
Another option is to find out what alternatives there are to traditional schools. For example, the Guidance Center runs a program called ISP, or Intensive Support Program. ISP offers intensive mental health services on-site at three Nassau B.O.C.E.S. schools for children, ages 5-21, and their families from all 56 Nassau County school districts.
To learn more about ISP, call the Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971 and ask to speak to Regina Barros-Rivera, extension 330. To find out more about our programs and services, click here or email info@northshorechildguidance.org.
With all the bad news and divisiveness permeating our culture today, it can be a struggle to see the good in the world.
The good news: We can teach our kids—and even ourselves—ways that they can contribute to making the planet a better place.
There are many opportunities to lend a hand by volunteering. Helping others isn’t a purely selfless act—though it does certainly make a big difference in the lives of those who need help. But the reality is, volunteering has a positive effect on everyone, both the giver and the receiver. It’s known to play a big role in creating a happier, healthier life.
Here at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we have several wonderful volunteers who help out mainly in two of our programs: The Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court, and our Learning to Learn Center’s tutoring program.
Are you interested in being a Guidance Center volunteer?
The Guidance Center is always looking for hard-working people who have patience and a love for children.All volunteers (you must be 18 or older) have their own unique schedules and flexibility. To find out more about our tutoring program, contact Gerri Lima at 516-997-2926, ext. 239, or email GLima@northshorechildguidance.org. If you are interested in volunteering at the Children’s Center at Nassau County Family Court, contact Dr. Nellie Taylor-Walthrust at (516) 997-2926, ext. 229, or email NTaylorWalthrust@northshorechildguidance.org. If your company is interested in creating a volunteer initiative with the Guidance Center, please contact Lauren McGowan at (516) 626-1971, ext. 320 or email LMcGowan@northshorechildguidance.org
The Children’s Center provides care and early learning to almost 2,000 children annually, ages 6 weeks – 12 years, while their parents or guardians are conducting court business. Volunteers read and play with the children, and that interaction is sometimes the most rewarding time the children (and the volunteers!) have all week!
With our Learning to Learn Center program, volunteers offer to tutor students from the youngest of ages up through high school. One of our tutors, Lauren Greenberg, says that she knew she wanted to get involved in helping kids. Luckily for us, she chose to volunteer for our program.
“I’ve been tutored before and was grateful for that,” says Greenberg, now a freshman at Wesleyan University. “Plus, I love the kids! Tutoring is the most fun part of my week.”
(Lauren’s story will be featured in our February issue of our Guidelines newsletter. To receive the newsletter, email development@northshorechildguidance.org).
Following are some of the reasons volunteering is beneficial:
It reduces the risk of depression by helping you make new friends and build a support network of like-minded people.
It boosts your self-esteem and helps you develop better communication skills.
Volunteering keeps you active and engaged with the world, and depending on what kind of volunteering you do, it could even help you stay more physically fit, including lowering your blood pressure!
It exposes you to new experiences, giving you insight into the world around you and all the opportunities that are out there just waiting for your energy and dedication.
It helps reduce stress and loneliness by giving you a feeling of purpose and connection.
The symptoms of mental health issues such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, anxiety and other conditions have been shown to decrease when people volunteer.
Volunteering gives you perspective, helping you realize that there are others in the world struggling with issues, just like you.
In today’s environment, when divisions of all sorts seem to be increasing in our culture, it’s more important than ever to be conscious of raising children who learn about racism and who are committed to equality for all.
“We need to encourage discussions about race and racism not as taboo, but as a normal part of growing up,” says Andrew Malekoff, Executive Director at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “It’s misguided to think that, by talking about race, you will make your kids notice race more or make them racist.”
Read All About It
One of the best ways to teach children about race and racism is to read books about the subject. Check out this list for age-appropriate books that will get the conversation started.
Regina Barros-Rivera, Associate Executive Director of the Guidance Center, says that parents’ behavior is extremely important in how children form their opinions. She recommends that, if your child or teen makes a racist comment in front of their friends and you hear it, wait until you are alone with them to point out the problem. “You don’t want to embarrass them, but you must let them know it’s not acceptable to make jokes or the comments that are racist or degrading to anyone,” she says. “Have a conversation with them and explain your feelings, rather than scolding them.”
One study determined that a parent’s communications with their child—both explicitly and through the transmission of stereotypes and beliefs that they may not even be aware they have—is one of the largest factors in determining their offspring’s attitudes about race.
“It is often the everyday fleeting indignities, consciously expressed or not, that communicate racial slights and insults toward people of color,” says Malekoff. “It is the cumulative impact of these messages or ‘micro-aggressions’ that can produce the greatest and most lasting damage.”
Sociologist Margaret Hagerman in an article in Time magazine:“How white children learn about racism in America does not only happen during the interactions they have at school. Everyday behaviors of white parents also matter: when to lock the car doors, what conversations to have at the dinner table, what books and magazines to have around the house, how to react to news headlines, who to invite over for summer cookouts, whether and how to answer questions posed by kids about race, who parents are friends with themselves, when to roll one’s eyes, what media to consume, how to respond to overtly racist remarks made by Grandpa at a family dinner and where to spend leisure time.”
For resources on how to have meaningful discussions with your children, visit this website from the Center for Racial Justice in Education. To get involved on a local level, visit Erase Racism.
Anxiety is a normal part of life, for both kids and adults. It would be difficult to find a child who, at some point, didn’t worry about monsters in the closet, or feel apprehensive on the first day of school. In most cases, these fears are eased with reassurance, love and comfort from an adult in their lives.
But for some children and teens, anxiety is a constant companion. It is part of their everyday lives, and it can seriously impair their functioning. It can even lead to debilitating panic attacks, which are characterized by symptoms such as shortness of breath, shaking, dizziness, heart racing and intense fear.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly a third of adolescents have an anxiety disorder, with about 8% suffering from severe impairment that leads to poor performance in school or missing school altogether; avoiding social situations; isolating; and/or using alcohol or drugs to mask the pain. They often feel alone and ashamed, and their anxiety can contribute to other conditions such as depression and eating disorders.
Although the cause of anxiety and panic attacks is varied, it can include a trauma, a divorce or death in the family or a physical illness. Plus, some people may be biologically predisposed to anxiety and panic attacks.
How do you know if your child’s anxieties are just part of growing up or if they are more serious in nature?
“Anxiety is a normal response to uncertainty, such as a test, a school report or project, conflicts between friends or arguments with family members,” says Elissa Smilowitz, LCSW and Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “However, when the anxiety or thoughts causing anxiety come from the child’s internal thought processes, parents may need to bring the child into therapy to address these issues.”
Here are some suggestions on how to help your child or teen who experiences anxiety and panic attacks:
Encourage your child to speak openly about his or her feelings. They need to know that they are not at fault when they experience symptoms of anxiety or panic.
Assure them that, although they may feel they are crazy or are going to die, they are not in any danger.
If your child associates a certain place (such as school) with a panic attack, they may start avoiding that situation. Gentle, gradual exposure is essential, since continued avoidance only strengthens the pattern.
News and social media can impact children much more than adults, causing them to feel unsafe in their environment, so it’s wise to monitor what your children are watching on TV and on social media.
Make sure your child eats healthy meals, gets enough sleep and exercises. Being physically healthy can lessen the effects of anxiety and panic.
Get an evaluation from a medical professional to rule out any physical ailments that may contribute to anxiety.
Contact a mental health agency or professional; tell your child that seeing a therapist is a perfectly normal thing to do, and that many kids who experience anxiety are helped through therapy.
The good news is that panic and anxiety disorders are very responsive to treatment. If your child or teen needs help, please contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971.
Note: This week’s blog is an excerpt of a letter sent by North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center Executive Director Andrew Malekoff to our board, supporters and staff.
Just two weeks ago, a single parent walked in our Roslyn Heights office seeking mental health care for her child who was experiencing distress that included mood swings and severe behavioral problems. As our intake staff member gathered information from the parent, we learned that the family first called for an appointment at the outpatient facility of a large local hospital system.
When the parent contacted the hospital’s outpatient program, she was told that they could not see the child until July 2019!The parent informed her school, located in mid-Nassau County. The school, which sends representatives to attend our annual pupil personnel meeting in October of each year, then referred the parent to North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. We responded immediately, as is our practice. It’s not that we aren’t extremely busy. It’s that we structure our services not to turn people away. We understand what being turned away means to a family with a child living with mental illness. We offer universal access to care.
Sadly, for many families on Long Island this is not an unusual story. In fact, we had been negotiating with the very same hospital system to subcontract with us, using an abundance of NY State funds allocated to several large hospital systems on Long Island, to grow our emergency services. The negotiations went on for the better part of a year at which point the hospital suddenly withdrew, despite the fact that we were given a contract by them to expand our emergency services. In other words, they backed out with no explanation. All of the talks had been routine and collegial. No red flags.
Soon thereafter the same large hospital system opened an “urgent care” unit of their own for children. In that “urgent care” program, they see patients only briefly, usually once, and then refer them out. They have referred many children to the Guidance Center, increasing our caseload without providing us with the additional funding they had originally promised. More funding would have meant more staff to meet the growing demand that we face, exacerbated by their referrals.
We are proud to have structured our services to be able to respond rapidly and without creating waiting lists, despite the fact that we are not funded or staffed like hospitals.
As a result of what we do and how we do it, we were able to see that “walk-in” – the parent who came with her distressed child after being turned away by the big hospital outpatient program with an “urgent care” unit.
This is just one illustration that represents many of those families that call us and walk through our doors. Just think about everyone else who has called that hospital since and were told that they must wait seven months to be seen. It’s tragic.
I’m grateful to our board and supporters for their leadership, faith and continued support that enable us to be a beacon of hope for so many children and families that would otherwise be left in the cold. I’m also very proud of our staff for their dedication, expertise and hard work.
Rest well in knowing that at least for that parent and that child, Christmas wasn’t a time of worrying about who they could turn to next – because they found North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.
Many parents worry throughout the year about their teens’ exposure to alcohol and drugs, but the concern is magnified when talk of New Year’s Eve parties enters the conversation.
While you don’t want to spoil their opportunity to ring in the New Year with their friends, the thought of them being at parties where alcohol and possibly even drugs are being used is justifiably concerning.
Below are some ideas on how you can keep your teens safe as they welcome in the year to come.
If your teens plan to go to a party, make sure you talk to the parents where the festivities are being held. Your teen might be horrified at this prospect, but you have every right to discuss your expectations with the hosts. Ask if alcohol is being served (and if your teens are under 21, the answer should be a resounding no). Ask if the parents will be home at all times during the party. If they won’t, don’t be afraid to tell your teens they aren’t allowed to go.
Once you are assured that parents will be there to supervise and the party is alcohol-free, nail down the details. That means finding out who is driving them and taking them home (the safest choice is for you to take on that role). Set a reasonable curfew based on their age. Young teens don’t need to be out past midnight, and even older kids can call it quits shortly after the clock strikes 12.
Establish a plan to check in several times during the night. Make it clear ahead of time that if you call or text and get no answer, you will be heading over to get them.
Not comfortable with the level of supervision at the party? Help your teens create alternative plans. The best way to know your kids are safe and in a supervised environment is to host the gathering at your home. Give them free reign in choosing decorations, food, music and other entertainment ideas, but make it clear that alcohol and drugs are forbidden.
Despite taking all precautions, the reality is that your teens may find themselves in a situation where they are being pressured to drink or use drugs. Tell them that you will be willing and able to get them at any time during the night—and that if they or their friends have been drinking, the most important thing is for them to contact you for a ride. The biggest risk that kids face on New Year’s Eve and any day of the year is being involved in a car accident. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, with six teens ages 16 to 19 dying every day from motor vehicle injuries.
In addition, the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Survey from the CDC found that among high school students, during the past 30 days
30% drank some amount of alcohol.
14% binge drank.
6% drove after drinking alcohol.
17% rode with a driver who had been drinking alcohol.
As parents, we must do all we can to educate our kids about the dangers of underage drinking, but we also need to face the reality that even “good” kids can start heading down a dangerous path.
Does your teen have a problem with drug or alcohol abuse? Substance use treatment and prevention services are provided for adolescents, young children ages 6-24 and their families at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s Leeds Place in Westbury. Substance use services include counseling youths who are alcohol and drug abusers, children who live in families with a parent who is suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction and youths who have co-occurring chemical dependency and mental health problems. Prevention services are offered to local school districts. Call (516) 626-1971 to find out more.
Holidays gatherings can be among the happiest times of the year. But the reality is, these family get-togethers can also bring up all sorts of conflicts. Old wounds from the past (“Mom always liked you best!”), differences on parenting styles (“You really shouldn’t let your kids listen to that music, dear”) and, especially these days, disagreements about politics (“I can’t believe you voted for fill in the blank!”) can turn what should be a happy occasion into a battlefield.
When children and teens are part of your holiday celebrations, it’s especially important that you model good behavior, according to Elissa Smilowitz, LCSW and Coordinator of Triage and Emergency Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center.“Family members should keep in mind to be respectful about other family norms and values that might not be the same as yours,” she says. “Differences of opinion are common and should be viewed respectfully.”
Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays without a whole lot of hollering.
Set realistic expectations. The image of the perfect family gathering is just that—an image. That uncle who just can’t seem to get through the meal without telling a joke that rubs you the wrong way isn’t likely to miss the opportunity to share his witticisms. Who knows? You may end up being pleasantly surprised, but if not, try not to dwell on the not-so-perfect moments.
Accepting that things won’t necessarily go exactly as planned is different than accepting truly obnoxious or hurtful behavior. If you have a family member who consistently ruins holidays by picking fights or insulting others, you have every right to remove him or her from your guest list. You are not required to subject yourself or your children to unacceptable behavior.
Are politics a particularly hot-button issue in your family? Then it might be wise to set a rule ahead of time that all-things-political are off limits—at least during the season’s festivities. You’re not compromising your principles, but rather just agreeing that this isn’t the best time to get into any likely heated debates.
Is your child or teen a screen addict? Let them know that phones are not invited to the holiday table. Encourage them to take part in family activities such as board games. They’ll survive the temporary tech blackout.
Prep your kids on how to accept a gift graciously. It’s very possible that the scarf and mittens that Grandma and Grandpa picked out might disappoint your little one, who was hoping for something less practical and more fun. It’s a smart move for you to explain ahead of time that saying “thank you, I really love it” does not violate your policy on truth-telling.
Although this season is one of the most anticipated times of the year for many kids, it can also be overwhelming. Try to maintain their routine as possible, including bedtimes, naps, meals, playtime, etc.
Let your children help with decorating, baking, wrapping presents and other items on our holiday to-do list. Even little ones can put their finger on the ribbon so you can tie a bow. They’ll feel very proud when they tell their favorite aunt that they played an important role in making her gift so special.
No one knows your children better than you. If they are very sensitive to crowded, noisy places, then maybe the mall isn’t a great place to bring them during the holiday rush. If they are high energy, make sure to plan a visit to the playground or skating rink. Does sitting quietly and reading a book help your shy or anxious child to feel calm? Then build in time specifically for that kind of activity. Acknowledging your child’s needs and helping them learn skills to self-soothe will go a long way toward making this holiday season a joyous one.
From all of us at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, we wish you a happy, healthy holiday!
Today’s family comes in a variety of forms, with divorce and remarriage increasingly common. Given these many combinations, making plans for the holidays can be complex. Which parent gets the kids and when? How do exes divide up the gift lists? Those are just a hint of the many issues that come up this time of year.
Whether your relationship with your ex is amicable or not, your job as co-parents gets trickier when trying to divvy up the details that come with holiday festivities.
“The best advice for parents is to try to work together to lessen any additional stress on the child,” says Dr. Sue Cohen, Director of Early Childhood and Psychological Services at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center. “This includes avoiding confrontations and not putting the other parent and extended family members down.”
Following are 12 tips on keeping the holidays joyful for everyone involved.
Put your kids’ happiness first. If you have nothing but animosity for your former spouse, put it aside so your kids can experience the holidays as a fun-filled, loving time of year.
Don’t make gift-giving a competition. If your kids make a wish list of gifts they are hoping to receive, go over it with your ex and come up with an equitable division of who gives what.
Help your child select a gift for the other parent (and, if you think it’s appropriate, to the stepparent and stepkids, if there are any). This small but gracious act will help make your child feel more secure, as well as serve as a model of kind behavior.
While gifts are a big part of most families’ holiday tradition, remember that the best thing you can give your child is attention and love. Getting the latest “must have” toy won’t be what they remember in years to come, but the special times you share together will hold a fond place in their memories.
Let your children know that you want them to have a terrific time with their other parent. While your child’s well-being should be your goal year-round, it’s especially important that, at holiday time, they know you’re happy that they’ll be spending time with their dad or mom, even if that means that you will be spending some time on your own.
Make plans well ahead of time. You don’t want both you and your ex to plan dinner with the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on the same night.
Speaking of, don’t plan too much activity on any one day, especially if you have little ones. You’ll end up with exhausted kids being shuffled from one house to another.
Keep family traditions alive. If you’ve baked cookies each year, your kids would be terribly sad if you didn’t do the same this year. Also, think about creating some new, special traditions.
If you and your spouse don’t live near each other, consider alternating holidays year to year.
When the “negotiations” about times and dates and events aren’t terribly friendly, plow through with as much graciousness as you can muster. Make compromises—and don’t ever put the kids in the middle!
If your relationship with your ex is on relatively friendly terms, consider spending part of the holidays together as a family. Your children will fare far better in the long run if they don’t feel that they have divided loyalties between the two most important people in their lives.
Finally, don’t forget to take care of yourself. When you maintain your routine and get enough sleep, exercise, healthy food, etc., you will not only feel better but your kids will benefit as well.
If your child is struggling with issues surrounding divorce or experiencing any emotional challenge, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center is here to help. Contact us at (516) 626-1971. Happy Holidays!
During the holiday season, it seems that spending time appreciating the beauty of the natural world takes a backseat to hitting the shopping malls and hunting for bargains online.
That’s a shame, because being in the outdoors provides huge benefits in every season of the year. The healing power of nature is why North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center created our Wilderness Respite Program, which this year celebrates its 20th anniversary.
The Wilderness Respite Program provides a unique opportunity for at-risk adolescents—some of whom have issues such as depression, anxiety and autism—to put down their tech devices and head outside to participate in hikes and other nature activities that foster individual growth, leadership skills, self-esteem and friendships while also promoting environmental stewardship.
During one of the planning meetings for an upcoming hike, a few of the boys tried to take control of the situation by dominating the other group members through physical posturing and verbal banter. That all changed once the teens drove to the state park and departed from the van. We found ourselves immersed in the forest, with no pavement, stores, traffic lights or any of the usual trappings of the home neighborhood—the kind of pure, natural environment many of the teens had rarely if ever experienced.
Little by little, all of the teens learned to work together, decoding the trail markers located on trees and rocks. Relying on their growing awareness of themselves and the direction of the staff, the teens gradually learned to hike at a controlled, measured pace, rather than starting out in a sprint and tiring as the day wore on. Although this was emphasized during preparation meetings, it was in the “doing” that this learning was integrated by the hikers, who soon learned how easy it was to get worn out.
The hike was a challenging one, lengthy and with rough terrain. It was an experience most of the teens felt was beyond their capabilities, but once they realized they could overcome these perceived limitations, they felt exhilarated. They also developed a noticeable respect, admiration and affection for each other. Tired and done-in, the group gathered around some rocks, leaning on one another for support, warmth and belonging.
Self-discovery took another turn on a canoeing trip by the same group earlier in the fall. The teens were faced with strong winds and an unfriendly current as they attempted to learn basic canoeing skills on Long Island Sound. All of them experienced a great deal of frustration, disappointment and anger as they struggled in teams to control the direction and progress of their canoes. They learned that the elements and obstacles proved too formidable on that day for us to reach our destination, when after three hours of tiresome paddling, we needed to turn around and paddle back to our starting point, rather than continue to our original destination six miles away.
But the trip wasn’t by any means a failure, because learning how to handle disappointment is just as valuable as experiencing success. The group learned that when the challenges of the wilderness became tiring and weather conditions on the water became burdensome and oppressive, they had to reach inside themselves to summon up additional strength to overcome frustration, anger and fear. So, even though the trip had more than its share of disappointments, the teens were able to carry over the feeling that they could handle it when things don’t go smoothly.
These wilderness outings to excursions on both land and sea were successful because they all serve to prepare the teens for unknown challenges ahead.
For more information about the Wilderness Respite Program, contact Director Bruce Kaufstein at (516) 626-1971, ext. 316.
Portions of this story, which was written by Guidance Center Executive Director Andrew Malekoff, were originally published in Anton Media.
Preparing for the birth of a new baby is a joyful time. But here’s some news that is far from joyful:More than 300,000 babies in the United States are born premature each year, and the statistics indicate a wide racial disparity. In Nassau County, the infant mortality rate per 1,000 live births is 9.4 for black babies versus 2.2 reported for white non-Hispanic babies. According to the New York State Department of Health, a black woman is up to four times more likely to die in childbirth than a white mother.
The three communities at highest risk are (in order) Roosevelt, Hempstead and Westbury/New Cassel.
“Babies—especially black babies—are dying way too soon,” says Dr. Nellie Taylor-Walthrust, Director of the Leeds Place, North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center’s Westbury location. “Many don’t see their first birthdays. I’ve gone to way too many funerals for babies who didn’t survive.”
Dr. Taylor-Walthrust said that the goal of the Guidance Center—in particular, its Good Beginnings for Babies program—is that every mother who comes through our doors gives birth to a healthy baby. The Good Beginnings for Babies program provides support, counseling, advocacy and education for pregnant and parenting teens.
In addition, the Guidance Center, in partnership with Hofstra University, created a program called Birth Justice Warriors, which focuses on improving the health of black mothers and their babies through education and advocacy efforts. Birth Justice Warriors are trained to educate the community, including women, pediatricians, nurses, elected officials and others, regarding the racial disparities in an effort to create real change. The ultimate goal is to pass legislation that guarantees that this crucial information is delivered to all women of child-bearing age.
At a recent Guidance Center event, Town of North Hempstead Councilwoman Viviana Russell shared her personal story of having given birth to a premature daughter in 1995. Russell felt that her doctors were not listening to her concerns. Luckily, her daughter, who weighed only 1 pound and 12 ounces, survived and is now a mother herself, but the experience made Russell want to help others. “As women, we are nurturers,” Russell says, “but we need to learn that pre- and post-natal care is as important for us as for our babies.”
Dr. Martine Hackett from Hofstra University, a co-founder of Birth Justice Warriors, pointed out that maternal mortality rates are rising in the United States, whereas they are going down almost everywhere else in the world. She said that historical patterns of racism have affected black women even in today’s world. “While individual behaviors are important,” Hackett says, “we must also acknowledge discriminatory biases in the medical community and take steps to reverse them.”
“Our goal is to bring education and awareness to this issue of inequality, which has a multitude of contributing factors,” says Dr. Taylor-Walthrust. “We’re going to educate people at all levels, from women in the community to pediatricians, nurses, health care professionals, elected officials and those in faith-based institutions. Ultimately we want legislation to be written that guarantees that this crucial information is delivered to all women of child-bearing age.”
To find out more about the Birth Justice Warriors, contact Dr. Walthrust-Taylor at (516) 997-2926, ext. 229, or email NTaylorWalthrust@northshorechildguidance.org.
At North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, our team of social workers, psychologists, family advocates and other dedicated staff members work throughout the year to bring hope and healing to children and families facing mental health and substance use challenges. We are grateful to our clients, who put their trust in us, and to our supporters, who make our work possible.
Below, some members of our team share what they are especially grateful for at this time of thanksgiving.
I am so very grateful to work for an agency that is in the business of saving the lives of so many children. – Cindy A., Director of Outpatient Operations
I am thankful for my family and our health. – Brooke G., Special Events Coordinator
I am grateful to have had the privilege of spending all of my adult life working to better the lives of vulnerable children and their families. – Andrew M., Executive Director
I’m grateful for the incredibly generous donors who support our agency and continue to be committed to making a difference in the lives of the children and families we serve. – Lauren M., Director of Development
I am thankful for a day to be close with my family. I am also very grateful to have an amazing team that I have the privilege of working with; it makes working easier. – Brooke H., LMSW, social worker
I am very grateful for having had more than one chance in life to become the best I can be! I am grateful for having a loving and supportive family who has always given me what I have needed the most in times of great need. I am also grateful for the many that listened to my innermost voice. I would not have been able to do this by myself! I am grateful for those who have spoken up for me when I could not do this, and I admire and respect those who have had the courage to say out loud they have felt the way I did some time in their life. This is greatly appreciated by not only me but also by those who feel they cannot speak up at the moment….they will do so when they can! –Vilma B., LCSW, social worker
I am most grateful for the health of my family and friends as well as the unity they provide. I am grateful for those who have given me an opportunity to be a part of their life and make a change. – Cindy P., social worker
I am most grateful for family, friends and good health. – Diane S., Clinical Nurse Specialist
Without sounding too much like a cliché, I am tremendously thankful for my good health, my wonderful family, my incredible friends, my satisfying and rewarding career and job and the ability to still express myself in the greatest country in the world. – Amy G., social worker
I am so grateful for my loving husband, my wonderful daughter, my friends who are just like family, my fulfilling job and kind co-workers, and my dog Lucy, who never fails to shower me with love 365 days a year. – Jenna K., Director of Communications
I am very thankful for my family, my little man and especially for the best husband in the world. I am also thankful for being in my new home, for about a year now.– Jennifer S., Senior Billing Specialist
I feel most thankful for the love in my family and the house we live in. It’s what makes it a home. – Marisa P., LMSW, social worker
There are times in the life of most children when they must deal with loss. Perhaps a close friend moves away; a pet dies; their parents get divorced; or myriad other situations that make them feel sad, afraid and abandoned.
For children who are part of a military family, separation from a person who is central in their lives is often a lengthy process—and one that gets repeated many times. When their father, mother or other close family member is deployed, these children not only need to deal with missing them; they also must handle the anxiety of knowing that their loved one is in danger.
The National Military Family Association conducted a study that revealed that kids who have a parent deployed experience higher levels of anxiety and stress than their civilian friends.
But there are things you can do to help your child prepare for a deployment and handle the time when a parent is away.
Before leaving for deployment, spend as much extra time with your child as possible. Create special memories and let them know that, when you return, you will continue to work on fun activities together.
Be honest with your child about the facts of your spouse’s deployment in an age-appropriate manner. You might want to get a map that shows where he or she is, and create a calendar of days to countdown when the parent will be back (if you know the date).
Maintain a sense of stability by keeping as many routines the same as possible. For example, mealtimes, bedtimes and other day-to-day activities should continue as they always have. This can be very reassuring to a child.
Encourage your child to express his or her feelings openly and honestly. Tell them it’s perfectly normal for them to feel a mixture of sadness, fear, pride and even anger—and let them know you have those feeling sometimes yourself.
Keep the lines of communication going through letters, emails, phone calls or Facetime (when possible) with the deployed parent.
Suggest ways your child can remain connected to the parent who is away—for example, by saying a special prayer each night, or making a scrapbook of their activities to show mommy or daddy when they return.
Take care of your own mental and physical health. It’s important that you remain as steady as possible to help your children feel supported and safe. So reach out to your sources of support and also to other military families. There’s nothing like speaking with someone who understands what you are going through.
If you child or teen is struggling with depression, anxiety or anger related to the deployment of a family member, we’re here to help. Contact North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center at (516) 626-1971.
Elmo to the Rescue
Wondering how to help your 2 – 5 year old cope with a deployment? Sesame Street has created a program called “Talk, Listen, Connect,” a bilingual education outreach program designed for military families and young children to share, watch the program below.
When I tell people I’m afraid to fly, the usual response is, “Oh yeah, me too.” They complain about uncomfortable seats, long lines at security and baggage check, lousy food, the high cost, and on and on. They may even express a bit of trepidation about the flying part itself.
But let me be clear: I am TERRIFIED to fly. I had flown a few times as a kid and as a teenager and it didn’t bother me much, but by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I had concluded that there’s no logical way an object that weighs several tons can stay up in the sky for hours on end without falling to the ground.
When it did succeed (which it almost always did), I considered it akin to a miracle. It’s not the most rational perspective, but rationality doesn’t play into it. Yes, it’s safer to fly than drive, statistically speaking. Don’t give me the facts. My gut says, human beings aren’t meant to be thousands of feet in the air.
Still, 17 years ago, I had a very compelling reason to get on an airplane, and despite my fears, I did it, wobbly legs and all. After more than a year of waiting, my husband and I were headed to Guatemala to meet our daughter and bring her home.
Maya was born on July 10, 2000, to a single woman living in poverty—unfortunately, an all-too-common scenario for many mothers and children in that country and other parts of the world. For us, though, her birth was the furthest thing from unfortunate. It felt, and still feels to this day, like something that was meant to be.
Rather than undergoing infertility procedures with uncertain results, I had decided early on that what was important to me was to be a mom, not to give birth. Though I had a wonderful husband (still do), great stepchildren, and a fulfilling career, much of the time I felt empty inside. As clichéd as it sounds, I knew what the expression “hole in my heart” meant. Going to baby shower after baby shower, watching my friends go through pregnancy and childbirth and starting families… I did my best to be happy for them, and in many respects I truly was. But it became increasingly difficult to not feel sorry for myself. I didn’t need lots of money, or a huge house, or a BMW. I just wanted what it seemed so easy for my friends to have: a child.
Scary as it was, entering the belly of the beast—the jet headed to Guatemala—meant that the life I had dreamed of for years was finally about to begin. For people hoping to adopt, what replaces labor pains is waiting, and we had waited a very long time.
After making the decision that adoption was the right route for us, my husband, Phil, and I did some research, chose an adoption agency, and received a videotape of several babies from which to choose our “assignment.”
Watching that video felt so strange: seeing images of beautiful, innocent little human beings and trying to “pick” the one who would become the center of our lives. I don’t know if there is such a thing as divine intervention, or fate, but both my husband and I quickly were drawn to the same child. The video showed the foster parent blowing bubbles to several different babies. Maya’s eyes lit up with delight as she reached for the floating orbs and they popped in her fingers. She giggled—no, it was more like a belly laugh—which seemed to us an amazing accomplishment for a three-month old. She was the one.
Next up, tons of paperwork, agency visits, court appearances. Photos and videos periodically arrived from Maya’s wonderful foster family. She was absolutely gorgeous. She laughed, played, cried and screamed with abandon. Friends who saw the video called her “spirited” and told us that we were in for quite a ride with this one.
On July 10, 2001, Maya turned one. We had started the entire adoption process months before she was even born. But late in August, the word came from our lawyer in Guatemala: The paperwork was done. Make your plane reservations.
A few weeks later, we were on a 7 a.m. flight from JFK to Guatemala. It was a gorgeous day, bright and sunny, without much of a wind. A good day to fly, I thought, although I didn’t really feel like any day was a good day to fly. It had been 10 years since I’d been on a plane, but at least we had good weather.
I was still scared, but there was no question I was getting on that airplane. The date was September 11, 2001.
Our flight made it as far as Miami before all air traffic was required to land, a little after 9 a.m. We ended up renting a car and driving home from Florida, without our daughter, and with a profound sadness that was felt by everyone in our country. With embassies around the world closed for weeks, we were forced to wait, once again, to meet the little girl who we felt was our own but had never seen or heard or held in person.
Unlike the many stories of those who lost loved ones that day, ours had a happy ending. We were able to have an escort bring Maya to the U.S. on November 24, 2001, ending what had been a very long and painful labor. She was 16 months old. And in the 17 years since, life for our family has had tremendous highs and, yes, some lows, but never a day goes by where I don’t feel grateful for being Maya’s mom.
Note: This story, written by Jenna Kern-Rugile, the Director of Communications at North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center, first appeared in Long Island Parents & Children magazine.
